At the gallop, ho!
Fort Laramie
Fort Laramie, starring Raymond Burr as Captain Lee Quince.
Specially transcribed tales of the dark and tragic ground of the wild frontier.
The saga of fighting men who rode the rim of empire.
And the dramatic story of Lee Quince, Captain of Cavalry.
Captain?
Oh, Mr. Seibert. The men looked fine, I thought.
Well, yes, sir. They looked all right.
Good drill. Good parade.
Yes, sir. But actually, I was more concerned with...
Well, weren't you listening, sir?
I was watching, Lieutenant. I almost never listened to a dress parade.
I mean the band.
The band seemed to march real good.
Captain, the music. Frankly, I thought it was terrible.
Usually it just sounds bad. But today it was awful.
What, didn't it sound strange to you? Tinny off key?
I was watching B Company, Mr. Seibert. It's marched just fine.
I don't know. Maybe it's my ears.
More likely my ears.
I don't pay much mind to the music.
When I was a boy, my mother thought I had a promising voice.
So I'd sing for her. And the hogs had come running.
Then the neighbors got so they'd come running too.
I got a lot of encouragement to quit singing.
But just because you couldn't sing well, Captain,
doesn't mean you don't have an appreciation for music.
I think it does, Mr. Seibert.
You see, I wasn't just obliging my mother.
I thought I sounded fine too.
Well, you were considerably younger, sir.
I'm sure you've outgrown a lot by now.
After all, with your mother to encourage you,
you couldn't be blamed for thinking too much.
Around her neck she wore a yellow ribbon.
Captain.
She wore it in the winter and the merry month of May.
And when they asked her why she...
It was more about the regimental band than anything else.
If you didn't notice, the band...
Far away, far away
She wore it for her lover who was far, far away
I'm beginning to think I was very mistaken.
Far away, far away
Captain Quinch.
Major Daggett.
What are you doing?
I was singing, sir.
You call that singing?
I do.
But I suppose it's a minority opinion.
Are you drunk, captain?
No, sir.
I can account for the singing if you're interested, Major.
I'm only interested in stopping it.
We've had enough bad music around here for one day.
I thought Dress Parade came off fine, sir.
I was very proud to be company.
Captain, I don't want to hear another reference to Dress Parade today.
Yes, sir.
It's over. That's the only good thing about it. It's over.
I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to hear it discussed.
That's an order, captain.
Yes, sir.
I won't even ask if you heard the band.
Did you hear the band?
Must have. I saw it.
Seemed to me they marched real good.
No matter if you heard it or not, if that fellow in you call singing is a sample of your ear for music,
they marched real good?
I thought so, sir.
If I want marching, I'll get a company of infantry.
From a band, captain, I expect just one thing, music.
You think I'm being unreasonable?
Kind of hard to get music out of busted instruments, I imagine.
I realize some of the pieces are quite old.
Schultz tells me in the field they have problems with rust, sand, foul, and the cornet pistons,
but busted instruments?
The report said the band was brawling over something Saturday night.
Someone put his foot through a field drum. Some of the blowhorns got smashed.
You read a report on a band brawl?
Mm-hmm. On your desk. Sunday morning, Major.
Oh. Well, I want to talk to the bandmaster, and if you'll stop delaying me, I will.
Sorry to hold you up, Major.
Oh, Lee. I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
For what?
Well, I'm mad as the devil. Didn't mean to take it out on you.
I was handy.
And you were singing, don't forget. And it set me off.
Set Mr. Cybertz off, too.
The fact of the matter is, we have guests on the post. I wanted to be especially proud of our band.
Oh, and what they did to boots and saddles. I...
I think it was boots and saddles.
Well, I gotta see Schultz.
Tell him I thought the band marched real good.
Oh, me.
You, Alyn Harrison.
Not me, Sergeant.
We'd like to get that lumber loaded so you could run the wagon up to old Bedlam, unload it, and come back here and start all over.
I'm doing what I can. I swear I am.
You ain't Alyn. You shake a leg.
Both of them shaking now, Sergeant.
All right, Harrison, come out with it. I got about half a minute's patience left.
You know I'm a reasonable man. You know that right off.
Well, if I'm not reasonable, maybe there's a cause.
I ain't got long to wait.
Like this contrary weather. It ought to be cooling off.
Give a man a feel for hard work.
It's got no right to be blazing hot this time of year.
You're asking for a change of weather?
I'd be obliged if you could arrange it, Sergeant.
Anything, just any small thing, would be an improvement.
Well, now, you just come to the right man, Harrison.
Just for you, I'm going to change the weather.
You mind now you ask me to do it?
Oh, I ask. I sure ask all right.
Trooper Harrison?
Yes, Sergeant.
Report to the guard house.
Guard house? On what charge?
On the charge that you asked for. It takes you right out of the blazing sun.
Of course, how you're going to get a breath of air or something else again.
But seeing any small change would be an improvement.
Sergeant, I'll be getting back to Malodon now.
I thought you wanted to change the weather.
One day I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut around here.
That day comes, you write me a letter so I'll know.
You know I can't write.
I tell you one good thing, Harrison.
I just ain't rising to any more bait, Sergeant.
Fatigue's over in half an hour and after supper...
There's a band concert, I know.
Well, it ain't going to cool me off, none. Not a cent's worth it.
Only there ain't going to be no band concert.
In fact, if bandmaster Shultz can't explain himself any better to Major Daggett than he has so far...
Oh, my foot!
Maybe we heard the last toot ever from our regimental band.
Pliny?
You around, Pliny?
No.
What are you doing behind the pickle barrel?
You drop a penny?
Are you alone, Captain?
Sure.
I'm not exactly open. It's almost 4.30.
You'd open at midnight to sell a two-penny cigar.
Now, come on out from behind that barrel.
Well, it's... Oh, my, it's unnerving.
That's what it is.
What did you want, Captain?
What are you whispering about?
Well, you never know who's listening these days.
I'm listening. I'm hard put to hear you.
Are you going to sell me a glass of beer or do I have to draw it myself?
Ah-ha.
Who sent you?
Pliny, it's a hot day.
Oh, no, you don't, sir. I know an investigation when I see one.
Well, you may tell that committee and Major Daggett and all the powers that be...
that I am living up to the letter of my agreement with the United States Army.
Maybe you ought to have a glass of beer, too.
It's not my concern if the regimental band can't play without instruments.
What about the band?
No beer, no band.
Oh, I'll miss the drums.
Won't you?
Pliny, what time of day do you start making sense?
Why, Captain, I believe you don't know.
You came here in innocence, but these are dark days,
and the seeds of distrust are on the wind.
This time I'm going into the canteen and get that beer.
There is no beer. There will be no beer.
Beer is a closed issue.
Poor Schultz.
Poor, poor Schultz.
You keep going from beer to band.
From no beer to no band.
And you can thank Mrs. Feamster and her committee for that.
Mrs. Feamster's not doing anything. She's just visiting Fort Laramie.
Her visit was ill-timed.
Just when Schultz needed new instruments the worst way.
Ah, but alas.
Five percent of nothing will not buy French horns and trumpets.
And, eh, eh, oh, my.
I will miss the drums.
I'm still not reaching you, am I, Captain?
I, um...
I know.
No, you're not.
Then let me put it simply.
A, B, C.
A is for the agreement.
Now then, five percent of all proceeds from the sale of beer
I give to B, which is the band.
From these monies, Schultz buys new instruments.
That is, he did until...
Oh, yes. Until C.
C is for committee.
Headed by Mrs. Feamster.
The committee for moral improvement, if you will.
And that means no beer.
It follows, then, no beer, no proceeds, no band.
Yeah.
Oh, my.
I put that well, didn't I?
If you did, you'd better climb in that pickle barrel, Pliny.
A subtler that doesn't sell beer needs a real hiding place.
But... but the brine...
Salty.
Oh, Captain, I was just about to send for you.
Just came from the settlers, Major.
You got any idea what's going on around here?
Hold your voice down. Come here.
Pliny was whispering, too. For a while.
Now, listen to me, Lee.
I get a better idea than anyone what's going on around here.
Mrs. Feamster's in my office now.
Let's go in here.
The army run by a woman now, Major?
That's not funny, Lee.
I don't mean it funny.
I can't get a glass of beer.
Pliny says that woman's why.
I've just learned from Washington that there's several thousand Mrs. Feamster's, Captain,
and their ranks seem to be growing daily.
Not only that, but there are also Mr. Feamster's.
And their voices are getting louder every day.
Mrs. Feamster doesn't like beer?
On moral grounds.
She like whiskey better?
Whiskey isn't the issue.
Beer, like wine, such as are sold at the settlers' canteen.
Then she likes whiskey better.
She wouldn't see it that way.
Besides, it isn't just the beer.
That's just part of their plan for moral improvement.
They want to see that all posts have libraries, more recreational facilities, concerts.
From the regimental band, playing on no instruments?
Well, Mrs. Feamster realizes the problem there.
I got nothing against libraries, recreation. We need them.
But do you think we got any kind of a drinking problem at Fort Laramie?
I've never been aware of one.
If we had one, you'd be aware of it. We all would.
And if we had one, it wouldn't be on account of beer served at the settlers.
I know that, Lee. You act like this was up to me.
Let me assure you, it isn't.
Mrs. Feamster, post commander?
I'm still in command here, and that means I still follow orders from Washington.
That's where the real pressure's coming from.
They've banned the sale of beer at Fort Sully, Fort McPherson, and Fort Totten.
And I can't keep them from banning it here.
That brings us back to whiskey again.
If a man can't get a glass of beer in the post, he'll go off the post.
You think Mrs. Feamster knows what a hog ranch is?
A whiskey ranch? I doubt it.
Well, they got them now, all around Fort Sully and Fort Totten.
And men that used to drink beer at those posts are stealing off and rotting their insides on hog ranch whiskey.
You seem pretty sure you're facts, Lee.
Ask Major Trucks.
He got the information at the post surgeon's meeting last month at Fort Randall.
The post surgeons are recommending that they reopen the canteens.
Hmm. I wonder.
Just wonder.
Nah, no, it'd never work.
What wouldn't work?
I don't think even Major Trucks could convince Mrs. Feamster she was short-sighted.
I was thinking more of letting Mrs. Feamster make her own decision about being short-sighted.
You haven't met her, have you?
No, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Now, Lee...
I'd like to volunteer to show Mrs. Feamster around the post tomorrow, Major.
Volunteer?
You might just tell her I'll call for her tomorrow, right after guard mount.
Afternoon to you, Major.
Of course, in time, we'd want to build a library building separate, but that takes time.
Right now, there's only one building not being put to use.
Well, I'm sure I don't know where that is, Captain.
Goodness knows we've covered most of the post.
Except the Suttlers, ma'am. It's just ahead.
But surely the Suttlers store isn't vacant.
Not the store, just the canteen. It's part of the same building.
Is that where they keep beer?
When they had it, ma'am.
My dear young man, I have never set foot in a saloon, and I don't intend to go now.
A saloon's where they sell liquor, ma'am.
This canteen's an empty room and a counter.
But if you don't want to look at it, why...
You're certain. Certain there's nothing in the nature of spirits in there.
I give you my word, Mrs. Feamster.
There isn't a sign of spirit in there now.
Very well, then.
I suppose I should take the long view.
After all, the library is the important thing.
But in a saloon...
A canteen.
I'll take your word there's a difference, Captain.
After you, ma'am.
Thank you, Captain.
Canteen straight ahead, Mrs. Feamster.
Now then, Pliny, I've got a long order here. Best you write it down.
Just a moment, Sergeant. Just a moment.
Captain.
Miss Pliny? Oh, have you met Mrs. Feamster? This is Pliny Burgess, the Settler.
Mr. Burgess?
Madam. Now, Captain, you know very well the canteen is...
Well, it's...
We know, Pliny. We come to see how the room would do for a library.
A library? You mean books? And books in there?
We'll just look it over. You mind your customer over there.
Well, I don't know...
I got cash money, Pliny.
Coming. Yes, indeed. In fact, I'm here.
Well, Mrs. Feamster.
Well, yes, I think perhaps you may be right, Captain.
Lemon extract.
This room would make...
I want all the lemon extract you got. All the vanilla, peppermint, ginger...
All?
Every drop. Then I want everything in stock in the way of cinnamon, red pepper sauces, bay rum...
You got any smelly water, Pliny?
Smelly water? Oh, no, I don't believe I have any... Oh, no, no.
You're not paying much mind to the room, ma'am.
Pay? Oh, why... Oh, yes, it's first rate. Splendid.
O.D. something, Pliny. O.D.? Smelly. Excuse me, ma'am.
You know what I'm trying to say.
I?
You know, you women folks uses it sometimes. Smells right nice. O.D.?
O.D. Cologne.
That's it, ma'am. Thank you kindly. I'll take all you got, Pliny. All I've got.
Seems to me we could get several hundred books in here, Ms. Feamster.
Now, along that wall there...
Just a minute, Captain. Young man...
You talking to me, ma'am?
I am indeed. Your order to Mr. Burgess, all the lemon extract, all the cologne...
Yes, ma'am?
May I ask what you're planning to do with it?
Why, drink it, ma'am.
Drink it?
Well, maybe not all of it. I'll sell some. Chances are, maybe give some now and again to my friends.
Drink it.
Well, ma'am, you strain extract or that O.D. stuff through some coarse bread, you got a fine batch of alcohol.
Oh, my.
Now, myself, I'd rather have a glass of beer, but we can't get that no more here, so...
Well, man's left to his own devices, you might say.
Thank you, guys.
I just hope I did the trick, Captain.
Right now, we almost have this added up, so let me see what that...
That comes to $57.43, Sergeant.
Blinney, I've been thinking this over.
Eh?
Oh.
Well, now, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Now, since you're such a good customer, I'm gonna let you have the whole thing for $57.33.
You drink it, Blinney. I'm going to Laramie Village for a beer.
Why, Captain, you've come to say goodbye.
No, I wasn't sure I'd be welcome, Mrs. Feamster.
Major tells me you were a while settling down.
Very nearly fated. You may as well know that.
If it'd make you feel any better, it was all made up for your benefit, ma'am.
So Major Daggett assured me. Oh, my, Captain.
I'm going back to Washington with a brand-new outlook.
I think our Committee on Moral Improvement may just revise its thinking a bit.
You talked to the post surgeon.
Indeed I did. I'm taking the entire matter up with all of Official Washington.
Yes, ma'am.
And I want to thank you for opening my eyes, Captain.
And that nice orderly of yours.
Harrison? Yes, Trooper Harrison.
He's the one who makes those nice outdoor stoves.
He...he is?
He was cooking last evening down by the Laramie River.
I was out for my evening constitutional, and he explained it all to me about his stove.
A retort, a condenser, and a receiver.
Harrison? He called it a stove?
Oh, he had some other name for it. A foolish name, too.
A foolish name like a...like a still?
Yes, but I could see it was a stove.
He's promised to send me the plans, show me just how to make it.
Mrs. Feamster, that stove, now it's just...
Oh, my goodness! The stage is ready! Goodbye, Captain!
Goodbye, Mrs. Feamster!
Fort Laramie is produced and directed by Norman MacDonald
and stars Raymond Burr as Lee Quince, Captain of Cavalry,
with Vic Perrin as Sergeant Gorse.
The script was specially written for Fort Laramie by Kathleen Height,
with sound patterns by Bill James and Ray Kemper,
musical supervision by Amarigo Marino.
Featured in the cast were Howard McNear, Jeanette Nolan, and Sam Edwards.
Jack Moyles is Major Daggett, and Harry Bartel is Lieutenant Syberts.
Company, attention!
Dismiss!
Next week, another transcribed story of the Northwest Frontier
and the troopers who fought under Lee Quince, Captain of Cavalry.
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